On Finding a Safe Space
As I write this, I'm about to go into my 14th month with Cats. 14 months out of what will be almost 17. It's hard to believe really-- I've been going through my Timehop every day for the last few weeks, and looking at my tweets from a year ago. I was so weird. But I still am, I guess. Watching my relationship with the cast build up from nothing. Seeing the drawings I did for the cast last fall. The formation of the Junkyard. When the number of times I'd seen the show was still in single digits. Now, at 61, it seems so long ago. What a difference a year makes.
When I was writing the original draft of this I was sitting down about to start rehearsal for my show, when I got a text from Connor. "Callan is Munk." I knew that. I knew Callan was supposed to be Munkustrap. But not that day. And yet here it was, an hour before he was supposed to make his debut, and I was sitting in a stuffy classroom with a group of people all depending on me to keep things running. I could only manage a text that said "I can't go". I was crying for the first half hour of scene work, but no one noticed. And I realized jarringly that my dependence on Cats was keeping me from enjoying my show. It needed to stop. But how could I stop caring when I only have three months left? I'll stop when Cats closes. But god, it makes these five weeks so hard, when I have commitments I can't get out of. The stakes weren't this high last fall when I did Fade to White. And in the spring, I second acted to see Jakob's Mistoffelees debut in between performances of Little Nemo in Slumberland. But even then, I didn't know it was closing. So to be stuck without the ability to see the show, so close to the end-- that was hard.
I was talking to one of my friends about how easy it's going to be for some people to move on after closing. I don't mean it in a negative way. This is not to drag anyone who has or will move on, either. It happens. And I wish I could move on easily too. It's just I know I won't be able to. And that's scary.
On one hand-- it could be a good thing. I don't need another show to consume my life the way Cats has. I don't want to spend my money to see the same show multiple times a week. I don't want to go through every rehearsal worried that I'm missing something important. I want to enjoy things again. And mostly I don't want to just be seen as the Cats person. If I could move on to another show, it might help.
Cats was what got me through my first year of college- a year in my life that was very difficult socially- and it truly made me the person I am. And while there are still things about myself I don't like, I'm happy. I'm proud to be the way I am, and fuck the haters. But here's the thing. I'm going to end fall semester of year 2 with Cats, and start spring semester without it. And that would be fine, except Cats has been my college experience. I'm frankly not sure how to do college without it. I try to imagine what next semester will be like when I don't have the common interest I share with my friends, the cast members who have become a second family to turn to, and the show that has become my safe space. With all the times I have run to Cats just to see people who can always put a smile on my face no matter how awful I might feel, it's a frightening thought.
My biggest takeaway in these last few months has been that once you find something that makes you happy, stick with it. There will be very few things in life that can bring you pure incomparable joy, so when you do, take no shame in that. If it isn't hurting anyone, it doesn't matter what other people think. No one has any right to shame you for loving something with intensity. Be passionate. Be careful of letting the things you love consume your life, but love fully and openly. Because once those things are gone, all you'll have is memories. Don't let them be spoiled by people's negativity.
Most importantly, when you care about something, hold onto it tightly. Take every opportunity you can, and savor them. Ensure that each moment lasts. And most importantly, love with all your heart. No one can take that away from you.
When I was writing the original draft of this I was sitting down about to start rehearsal for my show, when I got a text from Connor. "Callan is Munk." I knew that. I knew Callan was supposed to be Munkustrap. But not that day. And yet here it was, an hour before he was supposed to make his debut, and I was sitting in a stuffy classroom with a group of people all depending on me to keep things running. I could only manage a text that said "I can't go". I was crying for the first half hour of scene work, but no one noticed. And I realized jarringly that my dependence on Cats was keeping me from enjoying my show. It needed to stop. But how could I stop caring when I only have three months left? I'll stop when Cats closes. But god, it makes these five weeks so hard, when I have commitments I can't get out of. The stakes weren't this high last fall when I did Fade to White. And in the spring, I second acted to see Jakob's Mistoffelees debut in between performances of Little Nemo in Slumberland. But even then, I didn't know it was closing. So to be stuck without the ability to see the show, so close to the end-- that was hard.
I was talking to one of my friends about how easy it's going to be for some people to move on after closing. I don't mean it in a negative way. This is not to drag anyone who has or will move on, either. It happens. And I wish I could move on easily too. It's just I know I won't be able to. And that's scary.
On one hand-- it could be a good thing. I don't need another show to consume my life the way Cats has. I don't want to spend my money to see the same show multiple times a week. I don't want to go through every rehearsal worried that I'm missing something important. I want to enjoy things again. And mostly I don't want to just be seen as the Cats person. If I could move on to another show, it might help.
Cats was what got me through my first year of college- a year in my life that was very difficult socially- and it truly made me the person I am. And while there are still things about myself I don't like, I'm happy. I'm proud to be the way I am, and fuck the haters. But here's the thing. I'm going to end fall semester of year 2 with Cats, and start spring semester without it. And that would be fine, except Cats has been my college experience. I'm frankly not sure how to do college without it. I try to imagine what next semester will be like when I don't have the common interest I share with my friends, the cast members who have become a second family to turn to, and the show that has become my safe space. With all the times I have run to Cats just to see people who can always put a smile on my face no matter how awful I might feel, it's a frightening thought.
My biggest takeaway in these last few months has been that once you find something that makes you happy, stick with it. There will be very few things in life that can bring you pure incomparable joy, so when you do, take no shame in that. If it isn't hurting anyone, it doesn't matter what other people think. No one has any right to shame you for loving something with intensity. Be passionate. Be careful of letting the things you love consume your life, but love fully and openly. Because once those things are gone, all you'll have is memories. Don't let them be spoiled by people's negativity.
Most importantly, when you care about something, hold onto it tightly. Take every opportunity you can, and savor them. Ensure that each moment lasts. And most importantly, love with all your heart. No one can take that away from you.
 |
| my heart ❤ |
Comments
Post a Comment