Life to the Everlasting Cat
If you expected my concluding post to have any other title, given the name of this blog, you were mistaken.
Here we are. One month since Cats closed on Broadway. One month since I last saw this beautiful cast... and the longest I've ever gone without seeing the show. I'm still learning how to cope. College is weird without Cats. I'm figuring it out. Not being able to go there to run away from my problems is maybe healthier, but I don't like it. Eventually, I'll be okay. For now, I'll have to settle for crying once or twice a week when it hits me again that it isn't there.
Last week, I forgot three times in one day that the show was closed. And each time I was pulled back to reality, it was like a punch in the gut. That sort of pain takes time to heal
But despite the difficulty, I've found a sense of peace in the absence of Cats in my life. I'm able to be more focused on school and everything else I need to do. I'm grateful for that.
And the other solace is that I feel like some people who never really understood why Cats meant so much to me now get it. Someone I go to school with, someone I barely know, came up to me in the elevator the other day. "Nat, I want you to know that I like Cats the musical, just because of that post where you talked about why it's important to you". I walked away from that both pleased and puzzled. No one ha admitted that to me before. I'd assumed until that point that I haven't been making sense, or else no one has cared. So, if you're reading this now, thank you.
I guess I hoped that I'd be able to come back to you all a month later with some newfound wisdom, or inspiring words about a healing process. I guess it's just too soon for that. Maybe in another month, or six months, or even a year. For now, the loss I've felt is still too raw. I've avoided walking by 52nd Street just by keeping busy and not going to midtown. But every time I have been there, I've just been hit by an overwhelming sorrow. The first time I went back, New Year's Day, I cried coming out of the subway, I cried walking down the sidewalk, and standing outside the theatre. And then the next time, they were taking down the marquee and putting up the signage for Angels in America. I knew it was happening, but I still did it. I wanted to feel the tug on my heartstrings. But as I walked back uptown along 8th Ave, glancing back over my shoulder at the buildings that frame the intersection I've crossed so many times, I felt the weight of the memories of all the times I made this very trek. I realized then that it isn't just the theatre that I'm tied to. It's every single landmark that I've associated with the show. McDonald's, Cosmic Diner, the hotel next door, the Russian Samovar, 52nd Street Starbucks... and the way the uptown walk feels so much longer than the downtown walk. Usually, that's because the excitement of going to the show makes it go faster. But now, going downtown can only offer the same emptiness as uptown. No matter the destination, Cats isn't there.
I'm still finding ways to keep it in my life, of course. I went to BroadwayCon last weekend as Carbucketty and Coricopat. We ordered more Junkyard shirts. Yesterday it was formally announced that Tanner is going to be in the new musical Head Over Heels, and I impulse bought a ticket for their first preview in June. I’ve known about it for a while though, and I’m planning a trip to San Francisco for their out of town tryout. That’s been my main coping method since December 30th. But I've also been trying to balance it with something else to dedicate my whole life to. Not a show, because Broadway is expensive, and shows always close. Marvel -- the movies, the characters, the fandom -- has become my new love. It doesn't compare to Cats, nor does it entirely fill the void, but it tries.
I'll never forget the show--the feeling I had the first time seeing it, and the exhilaration of the minute long standing ovation after the Jellicle Ball on closing night. The friends I've made, the happiness it brought me. I don't want to. A week after closing, I got my first tattoo: the little dancer figures inside the cat eyes, just a tiny little reminder that Cats lives on. Now and Forever, right? That's what everlasting means. And that's what it is for me. I never want to forget. But I need to find peace.
That's what this is for, I guess.
So thank you for coming with me on this journey, no matter the capacity. If you're reading this, you have helped to shape my experience with Cats for the better. And that is something I'll cherish for the rest of my life.
Until next time,
Nat
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| The Junkyard on closing night |
Last week, I forgot three times in one day that the show was closed. And each time I was pulled back to reality, it was like a punch in the gut. That sort of pain takes time to heal
But despite the difficulty, I've found a sense of peace in the absence of Cats in my life. I'm able to be more focused on school and everything else I need to do. I'm grateful for that.
And the other solace is that I feel like some people who never really understood why Cats meant so much to me now get it. Someone I go to school with, someone I barely know, came up to me in the elevator the other day. "Nat, I want you to know that I like Cats the musical, just because of that post where you talked about why it's important to you". I walked away from that both pleased and puzzled. No one ha admitted that to me before. I'd assumed until that point that I haven't been making sense, or else no one has cared. So, if you're reading this now, thank you.
I guess I hoped that I'd be able to come back to you all a month later with some newfound wisdom, or inspiring words about a healing process. I guess it's just too soon for that. Maybe in another month, or six months, or even a year. For now, the loss I've felt is still too raw. I've avoided walking by 52nd Street just by keeping busy and not going to midtown. But every time I have been there, I've just been hit by an overwhelming sorrow. The first time I went back, New Year's Day, I cried coming out of the subway, I cried walking down the sidewalk, and standing outside the theatre. And then the next time, they were taking down the marquee and putting up the signage for Angels in America. I knew it was happening, but I still did it. I wanted to feel the tug on my heartstrings. But as I walked back uptown along 8th Ave, glancing back over my shoulder at the buildings that frame the intersection I've crossed so many times, I felt the weight of the memories of all the times I made this very trek. I realized then that it isn't just the theatre that I'm tied to. It's every single landmark that I've associated with the show. McDonald's, Cosmic Diner, the hotel next door, the Russian Samovar, 52nd Street Starbucks... and the way the uptown walk feels so much longer than the downtown walk. Usually, that's because the excitement of going to the show makes it go faster. But now, going downtown can only offer the same emptiness as uptown. No matter the destination, Cats isn't there.
I'm still finding ways to keep it in my life, of course. I went to BroadwayCon last weekend as Carbucketty and Coricopat. We ordered more Junkyard shirts. Yesterday it was formally announced that Tanner is going to be in the new musical Head Over Heels, and I impulse bought a ticket for their first preview in June. I’ve known about it for a while though, and I’m planning a trip to San Francisco for their out of town tryout. That’s been my main coping method since December 30th. But I've also been trying to balance it with something else to dedicate my whole life to. Not a show, because Broadway is expensive, and shows always close. Marvel -- the movies, the characters, the fandom -- has become my new love. It doesn't compare to Cats, nor does it entirely fill the void, but it tries.
 |
| My tattoo |
That's what this is for, I guess.
So thank you for coming with me on this journey, no matter the capacity. If you're reading this, you have helped to shape my experience with Cats for the better. And that is something I'll cherish for the rest of my life.
Until next time,
Nat
Thank you for sharing this blog. I came here because of that instagram post from Christopher Gurr, I hope you don't mind me sneaking in here. I had an amazing time flying to the US to see Cats and in many ways the experience has changed my life. A lot of that thanks to the wonderful people in the cast who made me feel like I as an audience was just as important as them for making the show what it is. I wish you all the luck in the world moving on from this, it has been a pleasure to read about the experience here.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sweet, thank you! No one's ever actually commented on my blog before, so this was a very pleasant surprise. I'm so glad you got to see the show. It was so wonderful, and I'm glad you had as good a time as I have. Thanks again for your lovely message! xx
DeleteDamn, I guess I should've written "First" instead ;-) I will try to come back for the tour next year, I have been swept away by the whole Cats community, there is so much love in every nook and cranny of it. Take care!
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